Your life is not lying in wait in the future like a wild animal or some ominous destiny. Nor is it hidden in the heavens, like a paradise or promise. Nor is it shut up in the cave or the prison of your past. It is here and now; it is what you live and what you do. At the heart of being; at the heart of the present; at the heart of everything – in the great current of life, of reality.
Andre Comte-Sponville

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

*Lack of Ambition vs. Lack of Self-Confidence*

I was talking to my dad about 6 months ago about some stuff, and he mentioned how I didn't seem to have any great ambition towards anything while I was growing up which is, mostly, true, but I did have a secret passion - acting and singing. I loved music and drama - still do!:)

As a kid, I remember spending hours laying on the floor listening to my parents vinyl records. The words were on the back of the album covers, and I loved reading the words while I sang along to - Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson, Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton, You're No Good by Linda Ronstadt, Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters, and, oh, so many more! And then I had a couple of my own albums that I was addicted to - Michael Jackson's Thriller, and one by Shaun Cassidy.... I mean, what girl didn't love Da Doo Ron Ron?!! It's amazing how music can touch you - deep down to your soul!

And I've always loved tv, movies, and plays - there's just something wonderful about taking a break from my life for a couple hours, and being totally immersed in something else. Getting lost in a romance, a comedy, a thriller, or whatever - just being taken to a totally different world.

Sports were a big thing in my house growing up, and that's what we did. That's what we did, and so I did it, but it wasn't my passion. I wanted to act and sing (act more than anything), but I never mentioned it to anyone because I didn't have the guts. No one around me was into drama and singing - well, my friend, Angie was in choir, and I do remember thinking, I should just join with her, but I didn't think I'd be good enough, and was too scared to try. I would look at the plays going on at school, and think - oh, if I only had the courage!

So, looking back, I feel it was not because of a lack of ambition as much as it is was lack of self-confidence. I didn't have the confidence to try something that my family or friends weren't a part of - I didn't have the confidence to go outside my comfort zone.

My girls already seem to have more confidence than I ever did, and I'm so grateful for that - I hope they keep it throughout their whole lives!

As for me, I still struggle with self-confidence in some areas of my life. At times, I feel paralyzed with doubt, indecision, and guilt. It's not a great feeling, but I'm trying to overcome it. I want to live with confidence, and feel good about the decisions I make in my life.

I've thought about trying to get involved in community theater - I would really love to do it, but I haven't found the courage yet. Maybe someday - maybe, maybe, maybe.

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