**New Blog**

I've started a new blog, combining my weight loss journey and my journey living life with my family!  This will be the last post here, but I've imported this blog into my new blog, so all my posts from this blog will be in the new one.  New blog is:

http://mamashan.blogspot.com/2012/05/welcome.html

**Tweens**

Having a 'tween is hard, and I imagine have a teenager is going to be even harder, but maybe all the drama will be over by then!  Hey, I can hope!  I'm finding that one of the hardest parts of dealing with these difficult tween years is that families handle issues differently, and that can affect the whole family - not just the kids.  My relationships have been changing because of what has been going on with the kids, but, I guess, I'm not surprised.  We're all very involved with our kids.  I don't know if that's just because we're homeschooling families, or not.  I know I dealt with so much of the same drama with my friends when I was growing up, but I never talked to my parents about it.

I remember in 4th or 5th grade a girl named Madonna started a club, and she decided she didn't want me in it, so every day at recess and lunch I had to sit alone because everyone else was allowed in the club. It was hell.  And there was always girls talking bad about other girls, and being mean, just for shits and giggles. Junior high was even worse - the worst two years, ever!  I was in the "popular" group, but it was not fun.  Our "leader" was not a nice girl, and she would always be picking on one of us.  She had bullies be mean to us - I would get shoved up against my locker, often, by the bullies.  There were many days when I was scared to go to school.  Or she would decide that no one in our group was allowed to talk to one member...for no reason, at all - she just enjoyed being mean.  And you never knew when she was going to pick you, but when she did it was awful.  No one would talk me, or look at me, and it would be a very, lonely few days.  So many things like this happened, but I never mentioned anything to my parents, and I have no idea why, but it's not like that with my kids.

My girls tell me everything, so when they are hurt, upset, worried, mad - anything - I know about it, and, of course, I get involved because they are asking for my help.  Sometimes I just try to guide them so they can work it out alone, but sometimes that doesn't work, so I have to step in, and, at times, even that doesn't help the situation because here's the thing.....all families are different.  How I'm raising my kids is not how other people are raising their kids, and vice versa.  Do I think I'm doing it right?  Of course!  Do they think they're doing it right?  Of course!  What works for some, doesn't work for others, so every family is going to deal with issues in their own way, and our ways are not always going to be same, so how I expect my kids to handle a problem is not always going to be how another parent wants their kids to handle the same problem, and that's hard, but it's unavoidable.  So, all I can do is guide my girls in my way, and, also, help them to understand that other families have different ways of doing things, and that their way is not wrong - it's just not how we do things.

There's been a bit of drama going on the last few months (or year...or two) - some of it my kid created (which I have no problem admitting), and some of it other kids created, but, I think, my girl and I are, finally, getting a hold on it.  She's been working hard the last couple weeks at not being so sensitive about stuff, and to not be looking for issues that aren't there, and we've been talking alot about how to deal with her friends when they are behaving in a way that she can't control.  She's going to try hard to remember that she can only control herself and her actions, so I have hope that things are going to be better.

At times, I envy the totally, oblivious parents out there that have no idea what is going on in their children's lives because I know life would be less stressful if I was one of those parents, BUT, for the most part, I'm glad that I have such a close relationship with my girls, and that they want to share everything with me, and I'm happy that they realize I'm always here for them.

I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but forward. 
~ Firdtjof Nansen

**The Little Things**

Oh my gosh, I just found out that The Wonder Years is available on Netflix for instant streaming!  Remember The Wonder Years??


Come on?  Who didn't love The Wonder Years?!

I'm so excited!  I used to watch this show all the time!  Netflix has all six seasons, so it's going to be a fun weekend!  I can't wait for my girls to see it!

It's the little things in life, ya know? :)

**Letting Go**

I'm feeling the need to move on from some people in my life - not to be mean or vengeful, just so that I can have less stress, and more peace in my life.  I can't change people, and some people don't want to change, or can't change, because they can't see who they are, or how they affect others.  Also, sometimes relationships don't work out because people don't "fit", and that's just life.  So, I'm letting go, and I won't be looking back.

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be." ~ Anon

**2012**

Another new year...already!  2011 zipped by, didn't it?  This is what I blogged at the beginning of 2011:

Time really does fly! My girls are 10 and 7 1/2 already, and this time with them is precious, so I look forward to this year ahead with them - watching them live, grow, and learn.
In 2011, I, also, hope to get healthy by eating healthful foods and moving more. I hope to spend more alone time with my husband. I hope to continue to spend time with friends. I hope to spend more time with my parents, my sister and her boys. I hope to take more field trip with my girls. I hope to read more books. I hope to blog more.


I did get a bit more healthy in 2011.  I lost almost 30 pounds, and I exercise on a regular basis now.  I did spend more time with my nephews - I made lots of visits to their house, and they spent the night with us, at least, once a month.  Unfortunately, I don't feel like I spent a whole lot of time with my parents and my sister, so I'm going to keep working on this.  I, definitely, spent less time on my friendships this year (dealing with busy schedules and, also, some other issues), but I'm hoping to work on these friendships.  I did not have much alone time with my husband.  He is VERY busy with work, but we need to make our relationship a priority, so this is, definitely, something we need to work on.  I, obviously, spend alot of time with my girls already, but I want to work on spending more individual time with each of the girls, which was a goal I did not meet last year, so I'll be working on this, too.


I feel like 2012 is going to be another busy year, BUT that doesn't mean it has to be a stressful one.  I just need to learn to throw in some fun on the busy days, so the stress doesn't get the best of us, which can sometimes happen.  I'm looking forward to this year - it's going to be good!

**Happy Holidays**

This is my wish for you: peace of mind, prosperity through the year, happiness that multiplies, health for you and yours, fun around every corner, energy to chase your dreams, joy to fill your holidays!
~ D.M. Dellinger

**Goodbye**

This is Terry and Rita (my parent's best friends):

Terry died early this morning.  I am heartbroken, and so, terribly, sad for his family.  Only 63 years old, and gone too soon.


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

**Loss**

My parents have been best friends with another couple, Rita and Terry, for over 40 years - how wonderful is that?  Well, about six months ago, Terry was diagnosed with cancer, and he just found out the treatments didn't work, and he is going to die soon.  I'm so, so sad.  I'm sad for my parents who are going to lose one half of this couple who has been in their lives for so long.  I'm sad for Rita and Terry's kids and grandchildren.  I'm sad for Rita - I can't imagine how hard it's going to be for her to be without Terry.  And, of course, I'm sad for Terry who is at the end of his life, way too soon.  He deserves to have another twenty or thirty years, but, unfortunately, cancer does not discriminate.  Terry is a such a nice man, and I hate that this has happened to him.  Cancer sucks, plain and simple.

Imagine

Imagine there's no cancer,

It's easy if you try,

No pain or suffering,

Or waiting just to die.

Imagine all the people,

Living worry free,

Without that ticking time bomb,

That no one else can see.

You may say I'm a dreamer,

But I'm not the only one,

That hopes the world will be cancer-free,

So we can live as one.

Author ~ Michelle Rosa

**Really?**

I'd like to slap some sense into this woman.  Yea, that's right, that's my solution - slap the idiot!  Okay, so it wouldn't solve anything, but it sure would make me feel good!

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2011/12/01/379359/michele-bachamann-gays-should-marry-people-of-the-opposite-sex/

**No Baby Photos**

Today, Aubree saw baby photos of Brenna, Dave, and myself, and then she asked, "Where's my baby picture?" - this is the first time the topic has come up since we brought her home 7+ years ago, and it broke my heart to have to tell her that we don't have infant pictures of her.  She, immediately, walked out of the room, and I followed her to find she had tears rolling down her cheeks.  I swear, my heart stopped for a second because I knew there was nothing I would be able to say to make her pain go away.  It's normal to want to know what you looked like when you were born.  It's something we're all curious about, but it's something my daughter will never know.  We can give Aubree some basic facts about her first sixteen months of life - the city and country she was born in, the name of her birth mother, and the name of the orphanage she lived in, and, hopefully, one day, this information will fill in some blanks for her, but the fact that she has no baby photos is something I can never fix.  I hate that there will always be missing pieces in her life.

**October**

I love, love, love the month of October!  I can't believe it's here already, but I welcome it!  There are five weekends in October and they are all jammed packed for us, but it's fun stuff, so I really can't complain.  Brennie is singing at the St. Charles Scarecrow Fest this Saturday, and then we're down to the cabin and meeting friends in a neighboring town for the Halloween Spider Hill Fest.  It's a big event with three different haunted houses - I'm not sure we'll be able to get all the kids to go inside the haunted houses, but we'll see!  Next Saturday Brenna is singing at a masquerade ball, and afterwards Dave and I are heading to Ottawa to meet up with some of my friends from high school.   The 16th is our 12th wedding anniversary, and we've decided to spend the day with the girls at a pumpkin farm, but the next day Dave is taking the day off work, and we're going to Chicago to spend the whole day there - just the two of us!  The fourth weekend Dave and I are going away for a weekend with our best friends - can't wait!  The last weekend of October we have a Candlelight Bowling event to attend!  So, yes, a BUSY month, for sure!

I was hoping things would settle down after our busy summer, but no luck.  There always seems to be something going on.  And Dave is still working late hours.  He doesn't get home from work until 7pm most nights - not until 9pm the nights he teaches.  We, barely, have time as a family anymore during the week, so spending time with friends has really taken a backseat.  Hopefully, Dave's work schedule will slow down soon.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the fall season - busy schedule, and all!!!!

**Solemn Day**

Yesterday was a solemn day.  It's hard to believe it's been ten years since the terrorists attack on our country.  I remember it like it was yesterday - Brennie was napping and I was watching The Today Show.  Al Roker had just been talking about what a beautiful day it was, and then, suddenly, Bryant Gumbel was on the screen announcing that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center.  In the blink of an eye, the day had went from beautiful to tragic.  So, so tragic.  It was surreal seeing the World Trade Center on fire, watching the second plane hit the other tower, learning a third plane had hit the Pentagon and a fourth had crashed in Pennsylvania, seeing all the horrified people running for their lives, watching other people jumping to their deaths from the fire engulfed towers, listening to the message from my grandmother saying that she thought the world was coming to an end, and then, finally, the towers collapsing.  You would think seeing it all once would be enough, but I watched all the coverage yesterday - it somehow seemed wrong not to.  I think, it's important to feel the pain of what so many others have lost.  So, I watched, and I cried.  My heart still breaks for all the lives that were lost, and for all the families who lost those loved ones.  I am so grateful to have my family, and I try to appreciate every moment I have with them because life can change - in the blink of an eye.

Never waste a moment, it may be the last with someone you love. ~Unknown

**Torn**

I can't decide if I want to cancel plans for this weekend - I'm so torn.  Dave and I are suppose to go out of town for a memorial golf outing in honor of my cousin Brett who died in a car accident in 2004.  I made plans for the girls to stay home with Dave's parents, so Dave and I could have a kid-free weekend, but when I made the plans I didn't know that my sister was going to take her whole family to the outing.  I thought she was going to head down with my parents (or maybe her husband and youngest son), and we'd all have a kind of adult weekend away.  But now she's taking her two older boys, and I'm feeling really bad that my girls aren't going.  They don't get to spend alot of time with their cousins, and I know they would love being there to swim, and just hang out with them.  Plus, after thinking about it, they haven't seen my family downstate in along time, so it would be nice for them to be able to see them.  So, now, my weekend away is not looking as appealing since my girls won't be there.

If we didn't have our dogs none of this would be a problem.  My in-laws were going to stay with the girls and the dogs, but there's no way they'll come over for the weekend to just stay with our dogs, so we don't have anyone to take care of them while we're away.  I love my dogs, but it's times like this that I wish we were a animal-free family!

Anyway, I know a few people will be disappointed if we don't end up going, and I do feel bad about that, but I have to do what feels right for my family, and leaving my girls home while Dave and I, my parents, and my sister and her family go away for the weekend just doesn't feel right - especially when I know my girls want to be there with us.

**Time To Meditate?**

I think, I need to start meditating.  I've been SO on edge, lately, and every little thing is getting on my nerves.  I've been snapping at my family for no reason - yup, like I said below, I'm not perfect, so I need to remember to treat my family with respect, no matter what!  Anyway, I'm stressed, and I need to decompress.  So, I'm going to try to take time every day to decompress.  Here are some things I'll try:

• Take a 15 minute walk - alone!
• Read for 15 minutes
• Meditate for 5 minutes
• Stretch for 5 minutes - stretching always feel so good!

**Kids Are People Too**

I have a huge pet peeve - I HATE when people talk down to kids. You know, when they talk to them with disrespect, in a nasty tone.  I, especially, hate when someone does it for no reason - when it's an unsolicited "attack".  And I, really, hate when someone behaves this way with my kids, and it's been an issue, lately, with a couple of people.  I'm not perfect, but I try really hard to treat my kids with respect.  I don't believe it's okay to speak rudely to them just because they're children.  And I'm, certainly, not going to allow others to speak rudely to my girls.  They deserve to be treated with respect, and, so, I told my girls if someone speaks to them with disrespect (a child or an adult) they have every right to stick up for themselves....in a respectful way, of course.  I know many adults do not agree with this way of thinking, but, hey, you can't expect to get respect from children if you don't give it to them.  And, hey, people can do what they want with their own kids, but when it comes to my kids, well, if you can't treat them with kindness and respect, I think, it's just best you don't talk to them.  Problem solved! :)

**Friends Leaving**

My girls are very sad because their best friends are leaving soon to live in Switzerland for a couple months.  A couple months is going to feel like a very long time, especially because these are the friends that my girls connect with the most.  Brenna and her friend can spend hours writing songs together, singing, dancing, doing makeovers, talking about the boys they like!  And Aubree and her friend spend most of their time on all fours pretending to be dogs, horses, or wolves!  They are really going to miss them, so I feel bad for them.  I'm trying to put a positive spin on it for them by telling them  it will be fun to be pen pals!  And they can be a Flat Stanley, well, Flat Brenna and Flat Aubree. :)  We're going to print pictures of them, laminate them, and give the pics to their friends, so they'll be traveling with them, and, maybe, they can be included in some pictures taken in Europe!

I love that my girls have a great connection with these girls, but sometimes I worry that they don't have enough friends.  Besides the girls I mentioned I above, my girls only have a couple other friends, and if they're busy, there's no one else for them to call.  I don't think they need to have a whole gaggle of friends, but, I think, meeting a couple new friends would be good.  Plus, old friendships can change - kids might find that they don't have as much in common anymore, or that they've just outgrown each other, or whatever.  Brenna is starting a new dance class, so maybe she'll meet someone there, and Aubree is starting horse lessons, but I don't know if there will be other kids there - we'll see.

Of course, the girls meeting new friends means that I would have to meet new friends.  I mean, I can't let my girls spend time over at some one's house if I don't know the parents well, but the problem is...I don't want to make new friends!  And I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm good, I'm set - I have my friends, and I can, barely, make time to do anything with the ones I have, so I have no desire to add more people to that mix!  So, it's hard because I can't very well say to someone - "Listen, I want my daughter to be friends with your daughter, and I would love for your daughter to spend time at our house, and my daughter can hang out at your house, too, but I, personally, have no desire to form a true friendship with you in any way, so you and I won't be spending any time together, at all.  Okay? Thanks!" - yea, they would take their kid, and run away, but, hey, that's what I would like to say.  Yup, I know - I'm a nut job!! Anyway, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

**What? It's Summer?**

This has been our busiest summer ever, but it really hasn't felt like summer.  We weren't this busy during the fall and winter months!  Summer is suppose to be for relaxing, but there hasn't been much of that going on.  It's not even August, and my kids have done three different week-long camps.  My daughter has had a weekly theater rehearsal (over an hour away), and when that's done both the girls start another theater rehearsal three days a week for two weeks, which is, again, will be an hour away.  We've had something going on almost every weekend for the last two months.  I feel like I have spent almost no time with friends this summer.  I've made plans to, but I've had to cancel almost all of the plans because something always comes up.  My hubby has been working alot of overtime - he's working right now, in fact, on a Saturday!  And he has to go to Colorado at the end of this month.  Next week we have to drive to St. Charles for my daughter's theater stuff Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday!  I feel like I spend more time in my car than anywhere else!  So, this is just not what I had in mind for our summer. :(  And there will be no resting today. When Dave gets home from work today we are heading to the cabin, and I'm going to clean it from top to bottom on the inside.  Dave is going to take care of the lawn, and clean the porch.  But tomorrow - tomorrow we will rest, and relax!  Tomorrow we're going out on the boat to spend the day floating on the lake, and I can't wait.  We haven't done that since July 3rd!  I am going to cherish every single minute!

**Sibling Fighting**

My girls have been fighting non-stop, and I'm so tired of listening to them!!  I swear, I was nearly in tears this morning because I'm so frustrated by the constant problems between them, and I don't know how to make them stop.  I feel like all I hear all day is - "Sissy, STOP!!"  and "Aubbie, I'm gonna tell, Mom!!" and "Sissy, get off me!!!!!!!" and "Aubbie, don't touch me!!!!!",  but, mostly, I hear, "MOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!"", which really annoys me!!!  I want them to be able to work out their differences calmly and quietly, and without screaming for me to intervene, but, maybe, I'm expecting too much.  They are only 8 and 10, but, jeez, the stuff they fight over is just ridiculous.  I know part of the problem is that they are, pretty much, with each other 24/7 - with being homeschooled they just don't spend much time apart.  They do go on playdates and sleepovers, but they always go together, so even though they are spending time with friends they are still, kind of, together.  So, my plan is to start letting them have separate playdates and sleepovers.  Hopefully, I can work that out with the other moms.  For now, the girls are grounded for the week.  In the meantime, I'm going to talk to them (AGAIN) about how they can handle their differences with each other in a better manner.  Things will get better, right??!

**Acceptance**

I, normally, don't post about stuff like this on my blog, but it is my blog, and I should be able to write about anything - plus, writing is cathartic for me.  So, anyway......

I'm struggling w/ a couple relationships right now, and I'm trying to figure out how to handle it. The issues are not new, but communicating has never been easy, so the cycle just continues.  I want it to stop.  When my feelings get hurt my first instinct is to distance myself, but doing so doesn't really help anything, does it?  I wanted these relationships to be better than what they are.  I've waited and waited (for years) ... hoping for change, but I'm almost 40 years old, and, I think, it's time for me to stop hoping.  Listen, sometimes people disappoint us, but it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing, right?  For so long, I wanted it ALL, and when I didn't get it I'd think - well, I will take nothing because anything less than ALL is just unfair and fake.  Oh, I still want it all - complete trust, complete fairness, complete support, complete love, but people have limits, and I have to learn to accept those limits (for my own sanity).  I'm going to do my best to accept these relationships for what they are, and stop hoping for something that, most likely, will never be.  After all, I know it could be worse.  And I, also, know that I am a needy and overly-sensitive person, so I've always known that I needed....more, but, again, some people can only give so much, so I'm going to try to learn to take what I can get, when I can get it, and sometimes that will more (hopefully), and sometimes that will be less, but, maybe, something is better than nothing, right?